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Tuesday, October 31 12:00 AM EDT

Reasons You Shouldn't Forward Me That Email

11. I eat puppies, kittens, and other cute animals, and sending me pictures of them only makes me hungry for more.
10. I've been on the Internet forever and have already seen/heard/smelled whatever you're sending before.
9. You'd like me to remain your friend.
8. I don't care if the kid dies from cancer.
7. I have a sense of humor and that joke isn't remotely funny.
6. If you forward that message to ten of your friends then a unicorn dies.
5. You'll prove once and for all that I'm smarter than you.
4. I am actually hoping to get robbed/mugged/carjacked.
3. If I wanted to see pictures of babies, I'd buy an Anne Geddes book.
2. If it doesn't have to do with making my penis bigger then I don't want it in my Inbox.
1. Bill Gates already sent me my free Xbox, $1000, and tickets to Disney. I don't want to be greedy.

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