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Tuesday, June 12 12:00 AM EDT

Reasons You Won't Buy an iPhone

11. Your current cell phone contract runs out in 2020 and has a $10,000 cancellation charge.
10. You're still paying off your first iPod from three years ago.
9. Strangely, you value "avoiding starvation" more than "looking cool."
8. Already named your kid Iphone and it would make things too confusing at home.
7. Refuse to purchase anything vaguely rectangular after bad experience with Fig Newtons.
6. Believed the rumor that Steve Jobs was going to lick every single one.
5. Waiting for 80's style boombox and brick phone to come back into fashion.
4. Waiting for the kPhone to be released from KDE.
3. As a child you were molested at a Mac Users Group.
2. Already have a long enough penis.
1. Never really understood the fascination with overpriced, proprietary Apple products. Plus, enjoy not being cool.

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