Top 11
Top 11 Things Geeks Would Do After Being Rescued from a Mine
How White and Nerdy Are You?
Bush Proposes Faith- Based Firewalls for Government Computers
Microsoft Purchases Evil From Satan
Slashdot Story Generator
Which OS Are You?
Teen Using MySpace to Lure Bands to Los Angeles
The BBook of Geek
Mental Floss
Geek Press
Wil Wheaton
Jonathan Coulton
Jokes Gallery
Funny Pictures
More Links

Friday, September 14 12:00 AM ET

Trailer Review: Resident Evil: Extinction

By Brian Briggs


Trailer Quicktime

Milla Jovovich
Ali Larter

Director Russell Mulcahy
Official Site Link
US Opening

September 21, 2007

Rated R
Genre Video Game Sequel
Explosions 8
Weapons Shooting disk, crossbow, handgun, zombies, zombie dogs, machete, flying feet, shotgun, zombie birds

Man Quotient

(Explosions + Weapons + Hot Babes - Kisses)/ Minutes

Déjà Vu
Generic Zombie Movie
Geek Factor 50%
See Trailer? No
See Movie? No

When you need a female action hero, you have several choices.  When you need a female action hero with nudity, your choices dwindle.  When you need a female action hero with nudity and a low budget, but need a recognizable name, you're left with one choice: Milla Jovovich.

Of course, she was in the original movies, so that improved her chances for the role too, but didn't guarantee it. 

This is the third movie in a video game-to-film adaptation.  How could it be good, you ask?  It can't.

I haven't seen any of the Resident Evil movies, nor have I ever played any of the Resident Evil games.  However, I am eminently qualified with my years of trailer review experience to know when a movie will suck.

The trailer opens with Alice (Milla Jovovich) waking up in a shower.  She wanders around until she's knocked out by a battle droid.  Some containment-suited guys want a sample of her blood.

Now, if you're in a containment suit, I would think you'd need to do more than just tuck your helmet into your shirt.  Also, if you need the suit why are you taking your helmet off in the first place? I know, I know, it's a zombie movie.  I shouldn't be looking for logic, but come on.

Milla Jovovich
Now, that's a knife!

The now underground Umbrella Corporation has a warehouse full of Alice clones, but they need the real thing.  Whatever cure they're trying to find isn't working with the clones. What could be done with a bunch of naked Milla Jovovich clones now that you don't need them?  Let me go into the closet for a few minutes, and I'll see what I come up with.

Next, we see Alice crossbowing a zombie in the head.  Then we see the ragtag convoy of survivors scavenging a ruined Las Vegas.  The zombies attack! The zombie dogs attack! The zombie birds attack!  It's nonstop zombies.

A little girl with telepathic powers senses Alice on the surface, and a strike team is sent out to get her.  As if she didn't have enough to worry about with the zombies, now she has to worry about the attack helicopters.

It's just one thing after another in the coming zombie apocalypse, isn't it?

Boot to the Head
"Spreading my legs gives
my kick more power."

At this point, the pound soundtrack kicks in for the action montage. Alice looks as sexy as possible while beheading the zombies, because if you're going to save the human race you want to look good doing it.

Ending Prognostication:   Alice gets her revenge on the evil corporation, but as in all zombie movies most everyone else will die.  They'll leave it open for a sequel, in case this one makes money for the studio. 

Conclusion on Trailer:  The special effects are weak.  The ruined Vegas is an obvious model shot.  The zombies look mass-produced.  Nothing worth seeing in this one.

Conclusion on Movie:  If you have an overwhelming need to see Milla Jovovich naked on the big screen, then go see it.  Otherwise, you'll be disappointed.
Story Options:

Follow on Twitter Follow Us on Twitter
Facebook Fan Us on Facebook
Amazon Find the BBook


  Politics Contact FAQs

Copyright 1999-2008 by BBspot LLC
BBspot is a satire news and comedy source and meant to be funny. If you are easily offended, gullible or don't have a sense of humor we suggest you go elsewhere.