Top 11
Top 11 Things Geeks Would Do After Being Rescued from a Mine
How White and Nerdy Are You?
Bush Proposes Faith- Based Firewalls for Government Computers
Microsoft Purchases Evil From Satan
Slashdot Story Generator
Which OS Are You?
Teen Using MySpace to Lure Bands to Los Angeles
The BBook of Geek
Mental Floss
Geek Press
Wil Wheaton
Jonathan Coulton
Jokes Gallery
Funny Pictures
More Links

Monday, December 10 12:00 AM ET

Google Using Innovative Methods to Keep Employees

By Brian Briggs

Mountain View, CA – With many employees as rich as they'll get at Google, the search engine company has needed to try innovative methods to keep employees from fleeing to more exciting start ups like Facebook.  

GoogleGoogle has formed a team dedicated to retaining employees known internally as Team alt.facebook.die.die.die.die.  Michael Brady heads the team. 

"Sergei and Larry see the loss to top talent as the biggest threat to our growth, so they've authorized us to tap into the giant pile of cash," said Brady. "We've offered trips on the party plane, free Lamborghinis and for one guy the choice of being the top search result for 'hot studs Mountain View'."

The retention team also offers "information" to Googlers about working at Facebook.  "Many of our employees don't know that the Facebook cafeteria doesn't stock Perrier, and that massages are only given on Mondays and Wednesdays," said Brady.  "Sure you may make millions in the IPO, but will that make up for the substandard beanbag chairs in the employee lounge?"

Brady denies threatening any employees if they leave, but some Googlers said they have been told they would "disappear" from Google results if they left. For many that's a fate worse than death.  "It would make it hard for me to get another job or get a date," said one employee who wished to remain anonymous. "Girls like to look me up before agreeing to a date, and if I'm not in there they'd get suspicious."

Related News

Google Responds to Yahoo by Increasing Gmail Storage to Infinity Plus One

Google Using Subliminal Ads to Subdue Opposition to World Domination Plans

Top 11 Signs You're a Social Networking Loser

Not everyone gets offered generous packages some lower level employees are being offered picture frames emblazoned with the Google logo. "Orkut employees just aren't that valuable," said Brady.

Brady says the methods they use have been successful even if some employees have left.  "If some people want to work at a place built on an old toxic waste dump, that's fine with me.  I'd just advise them not to drink the water," he said. 

Google's stock was up on the news.

Thanks to Andrew K for the suggestion.

Story Options:

Follow on Twitter Follow Us on Twitter
Facebook Fan Us on Facebook
Amazon Find the BBook


  Politics Contact FAQs

Copyright 1999-2008 by BBspot LLC
BBspot is a satire news and comedy source and meant to be funny. If you are easily offended, gullible or don't have a sense of humor we suggest you go elsewhere.