Peoria, IL - William Wayne Doty, dubbed the "iPhone killer" by media, has trademarked the name, and will sue reporters and bloggers who use the phrase in reference to anything other than him.
"It's a discredit to me to call anything else an iPhone killer," posted Doty on his blog. "My patented method of abducting people then smashing their heads in with their own iPhone is unique. Has a Blackberry Storm every killed a person or an iPhone? Has a Palm Pre? I don't think so."
The United States Patent and Trademark Office (USPTO) confirmed they had approved the application. "He met all the requirements," said an iPhone-toting USPTO representative who wished to remain anonymous. "It's the first trademark we've granted to a serial killer, but obviously not the most ridiculous intellectual property we've protected."
The official said they did deny Doty's application to trademark the phrase, "Want to smash somone's skull in? Yeah, there's an app for it," because it had already been granted to Apple.
"He's got a point," said tech blogger Winton Vargas. "He does actually kill people with an iPhone. It's hard to argue with him especially since I own an iPhone."
Sales of iPhones in cities where there has been a victim have dropped 35%, leading Apple representative Simon Chuang to suspect Doty is a competitor's employee trying to dampen iPhone sales. "They can't compete with multitouch or the app store, so they're resorting to striking fear into the hearts of any iPhone user by killing random ones across the country."
Doty denies any connection to Apple competitors. "I'm a troubled loner and don't use a phone for anything except to kill people. I prefer the iPhone because it feels great in the hand, and its solid construction holds together well during impact. I work at White Castle, as if that's any of your business."
Despite knowing Doty's employer, URL, mailing address and mother's maiden name, law enforcement has been unable to capture Doty, because of his invulnerability to Tasers.