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Thursday April 6 10:48 PM ET

Joy of Cola Really Just a Caffeine Buzz

By Brian Briggs

New York - You've seen the ads, now you'll hear the truth.  This reporter has learned from sources close to Pepsi and documents obtained under the Freedom of Information Act that the "Joy of Cola" is really just a caffeine buzz.   This startling revelation has the Joy of Cola?soft drink world reeling.

The damning evidence is contained in the white paper entitled "World Domination Through Caffeine Addiction."  Pepsi thought they could fool us all, but not this ace reporter.  I uncovered the secrets of McDonald's 'special sauce'.  Does Pepsi think I'm stupid or something? 

The ads run every 2 minutes, didn't they think someone would notice?  "Joy of cola, joy of fun, joy of Pepsi on your tongue?"  Maybe Faith Hill on my tongue would be joy, or beating the crap out of that little girl, but drinking Pepsi?  No, I usually get the shakes after my second 2 liter, but I wouldn't call that "joy."

There are other sections of the paper entitled "Cindy Crawford - Lord High Priestess of the New World Order," and "New Economy Based on Pepsi Points", but they were pretty technical.  I sense those sections may be important too, and those instincts almost won me seven Pulitzer prizes so I'll see if I can get to the bottom of it.

Next on the agenda:  Do the Dew. Veiled "American Pie" reference?

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