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Monday  October 22  6:34 AM EDT

Anthrax FAQ

By Brian Briggs

What is anthrax?
Anthrax is an acute infectious disease caused by the spore-forming bacterium, Bacillus anthracis usually found in cattle and sheep. Anthrax is also a heavy metal rock band usually found in trailer parks and skate parks.

Why are Americans being targeted by anthrax?
Americans share many traits with sheep and cattle such as being easily herded and quickly panicked. These similarities make Americans very susceptible to anthrax.

What should I do if I see a white powdery substance in an envelope?
There's a much higher probability that it is cocaine than Anthrax. First check to see if it's cocaine by inhaling it through your nose. Whatever you do, don't call the FBI until you can verify it is not cocaine.

Will anthrax match with my camelhair cardigan?
While anthrax is generally associated with leather and T-shirts with iron-on logos, it is acceptable to wear anthrax with a earth-tone cardigan. However, bell-bottoms, regardless of how trendy they may seem, are still unsightly and embarrassing.

Why are media outlets being targeted in the anthrax attacks?
Obviously terrorists hate the media just as much as we do.

Beware the SquareheadsWho is this John Ashcroft guy and why is his head so square?
He is the General of the Squarehead army. Beware the Squareheads. They're coming for you.

I live in Canada should I be worried?
If you live in Canada, you are more likely to be mailed envelopes containing Celine Dion and The Kids in the Hall. Quit sending us people like that. We already have Carrot Top.

I'm trying to make an Anthrax Spritzer, but it's missing that trademark zing. What am I doing wrong?
Make sure you are mixing equal parts of white wine, soda, and anthrax. Add a splash of sweet vermouth for that zing and garnish with a lemon twist and a sprig of mint.

Is it true that kids are using anthrax at raves?
Yes, it is commonly known that ravers will take anything. The common street name is aX.

Are there still seats available for OzFest 2002?
Yes. Ozzy's career had purchased several rows. Since his career is now sadly dead, those seats should be made available shortly.

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