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Tuesday  July 11 8:38 PM EDT

Government to Distribute
Souls to Spammers

By Brian Briggs

Washington D.C. - President Clinton signed a law today that will set up a federal agency to distribute souls to spammers.

"It is a great day for this country as the soulless spammers who plague our nation will receive the souls that they so dearly need," said President Clinton.  The Federal Souls for Spammers Agency (FSSA) will be responsible for the retrieval and distribution of the souls.

The supply of souls will come from inmates who die in the Federal and State prison systems, including those prisoners executed by the government.  An amendment that would have taken souls from deceased politicians was rejected, because technology for retrieving such microscopic souls has not been perfected.

Using souls from murderers and other violent criminals is troubling some citizens, but proponents of the law say that is a risk worth taking.  Senator Trent Lott said "I think that if you ask John Q. Public he will say that he would rather live next to a murderer than a soulless spammer."  A recent poll by USA Today confirms Senator Lott's opinion (see chart below).

The Association of Soulless Spammers (ASS) vehemently opposes the law saying that being devoid of a human soul is a fundamental right protected by the constitution and promises to take the fight all the way to the Supreme Court.  ASS President Henry Selmon said,  "This is just another intrusion the government is making in citizens' lives.  When will this stop?  Are they going to require spammers to have a heart and a conscience next?"

ASS member Herbert Rocco added, "Accept credit cards over the internet!  Lose weight while you sleep.  Free Florida Vacations!"

Spam Chart

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