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Thursday, November 14 12:01 AM EST

Media To Retire Facts, Journalistic Standards

By Brian Briggs

Several major media outlets such as FOX, Yahoo! and CNN announced they will be retiring two outdated themes in media: using fact-based information and professional journalism standards. ABC News and The Today Show are expected to join the other news outlets after the Christmas season.

"It just became too much effort," said exasperated Yahoo! reporter Stephanie Dixon. "We found it was easier to blame video games and Jackass than to get actual facts to support our stories." Stephanie's most recent article deals with the harmful effects of Unreal Tournament 2003 on the digestive problems of family pets. She also stopped using apostrophes and the letter 'Q' based on their distant placement from her pinkie fingers.

FOX News director Mort Granger agreed with the move. Last week he began using automatically generated templates for the articles posted on the FOX News web site. "You just type in the breaking news topic, and the template automatically generates a story relating the problem to Jackass: The Movie. Not only is the process incredibly innovative, it also gives our staffers more time to spend on" Granger, winner of the 1964 Pulitzer prize in journalism, also tops the high score list for Insaniquarium.

His decision to retire these "outdated and archaic benchmarks" was based on the large increase in page views for a story he ran last week "Jackass: The Movie Kills 12 in Alabama Tornado." The article detailed the collapse of a small theater due to high winds.

Not everyone agrees with Granger. Weekly World News editor Delphina Marguiles is shocked at this announcement. "Whatever happened to journalistic integrity? Sensationalism and blame of pop-culture plague today's news outlets. Personally, I'm sickened by it."

The news outlets also noted that early next year responsibility and accountability are slated to retire. The American Parenting Society plans to adopt a similar retirement list early next year.

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