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Wednesday,  May 7 12:01 AM EDT

IT Workers Suffering From
New Form of Tourette's Syndrome

By Mike Olson

San Jose, CA - The Tourette’s Syndrome Association (TSA) has released a study indicating that more than 82% of all IT Workers are suffering from a new form of the Tourette’s Syndrome called Adult Onset Technical Support Tourette's Syndrome or TSTS for short.

The TSA began the study in April of 2002 after receiving a large volume of concerned requests for more information on Tourette’s from IT managers of various companies. The study indicates that more than 98% of IT workers suffering from TSTS work in helpdesk-like positions providing support over the phone. “Phone support is the perfect medium, it encourages TSTS,” stated TSA spokesman Daniel J. Conti. “There either needs to be a change in how these companies provide support, or their employers need to provide medication and mental care for these employees.”

Only one IT manager that helped to provide a study group for the TSA was willing to comment, but at his request the company he represents and his identity have been withheld. He would not answer any questions, but provided the following transcript of a phone call that is a key example of the disorder:

IT Worker: Thank you for calling ___. How can I help you?
Caller: Oh, geez my other phone is ringing, can you hold for a moment?
ITW: Ahh…
C: Great, thanks <hold music plays>
ITW: Of course I’ll hold. You son of a bitch. DIE!!!
1 minute later
C: Thanks, my Microsoft doesn’t work.
<ITW presses the mute button>
<ITW unmutes the phone>
ITW: Okaaay… What are you trying to do?
C: Get my email.
ITW: Ok, what version of Windows do you have?
C: Whatever the latest one is.
ITW: So you have Windows XP?
C:No, it’s Windows 2001 NT.
ITW: Ha-Ha-HA-HAA!!! DIE!!!
ITW: Okay, could you please click the start button and tell me what it says on the left?
C: …Nothing…
C: Oh, wait did you mean click the Start button for Windows? That says Windows 2000. I was looking for the Start button on my computer and that just says NEC MultiSync P750.
ITW: Dear God, please smite this moron dead to keep him from spreading his seed… DIE!!!
ITW: Great, that was exactly what I was looking for. Now if you could let’s click Start, then Settings and then Control Panel. Once you have the Control Panel open go ahead and double click on the Mail icon.
C: I don’t have a Mail icon.
ITW: Another unanswered prayer… DIE!!!
ITW: It should be listed alphabetically.
C: No.
ITW: Yes.
C: Oh, I see it now, it’s after Internet Options. OK, it’s open.
ITW: Well, my dear village IDIOT, alphabetically means that I is before M… DIE!!!
ITW: OK, great. Click once on Microsoft Exchange server and click properties. Once that opens click the Advanced tab.
C: I don’t have an advanced tab and I don’t see Microsoft Exchange server. It says Mouse Properties.
ITW: DIE!!! DIE!!! DIE!!!
ITW: OK, this is the wrong one, so just click cancel. Then try to double click the Mail icon again.
C: I can’t.
ITW: You can’t?
C: No, I rebooted.
ITW: Okaaay… Might I ask why?
C: I was afraid I’d done the wrong thing, so I rebooted.
May killer, bloodthirsty monkey’s ride into your home in the middle of the night on spastic, rabid goats and eat your liver!!! DIIIE!!!!!

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“What is really scary is that when he is talking to the caller he is using the kindest, nicest voice I have ever heard. That caller even wanted to talk to his manager to compliment him on his exemplary service,” John G. said. “But then out of nowhere it’s like Satan takes his place. What’s worse is that they’re all like this…”

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