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Tuesday,  December 2 12:01 AM EST

Ask The Spammer

By The Spammer

The Spammer believes spam can solve any problem and answer any question. He does not answer unsolicited questions and honors all remove requests. No question is TOO LONG or TOO HARD. He doesn't have a stump and he can't be stumped. Just you try!

Dear Spammer,
After living in Earth for 20000 years, my fuel is starting to run low... I've been using Tamal, a rare metal that is only found on my homeworld as fuel... This metal is able to absorb low amounts of energy and increase it several times.

Problem is, the metal is almost useless after all these years.

Now, my first idea was to brutally murder everyone in the USA and feeding on the country's electric power.

Problem is, I'm not evil enough to do it...

So, what I really want to know is how can I become evil enough to be able to fulfill my plans?
-Make Me Evil

Dear Evil,
Since money is the root of all evil, I'm going to provide my closely guarded secrets to making a killing on eBay. Once you've made your killing on eBay, you should be evil enough to get your energy back. If not, then you might want to check out my online pharmacy which has plenty of pick-me-uppers which will send your energy level SKYROCKETING!!!
-The Spammer

Dear Spammer,
How many jelly donuts must a man eat before he's massive enough for a jelly donut to orbit around him?
-Jelly-filled in Springfield

Dear Jelly
Hundreds of jelly guzzling co-eds and G.E.N.E.R.I.C. VI.A.G.R.A will keep your member in orbit for at least 36 HOURS. Don't take our word for it. Just ask Oprah about the orbiting jelly donut!
-The Spammer

Dear Spammer,
All day, I've been surfing the net and the pages are loading really slowly. I mean, the source code has come down, and I have read most of the page before it renders in my browser.

It was happening at work, which I put down to the 70's era PC, but it started happening at home too!

Does this mean the cops are coming to get me? Can you recommend any countries to seek asylum in?

Related News

Microsoft Unveils New Spam Blocking Technology

Enlarge Your Tax Refund Naturally

SpamAssassin Unveils New HomeAssassin Product for Unwanted Visitors

Dear Ralf,
You have cable Internet access, but your computers don't have a cable descrambler. This high-quality descrambler is constructed of aircraft grade stainless steel and fiber optic circuitry, and WORKS ON ALL DIGITAL CABLE SYSTEMS!! Attach this low-cost device to your computer and your computer doesn't get bogged down descrambling the Internet.
-The Spammer

If you have a question for The Spammer send it to the_spammer

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