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Thursday, February 16 12:00 AM ET

Congressman Proposes "First!" Legislation

By Chris Jones

Bismarck, ND - Representative William "Willy" Greene from New Jersey plans to introduce new legislation next week during a special session of the Joint Federal Communications Committee to make it illegal to post on Internet bulletins boards, forums, and USENET groups with the sole purpose of being "first!"

"Approximately 450 million terabytes of data pass through global Internet channels on daily basis," the Representative said. "376 million terabytes of that comes from utterly useless 'I'm first!' messages posted on the myriad bulletin boards out there. We're getting complaints on an almost daily basis from companies such as JDO Media, Producer's Web, and AOL because their direct marketing materials just aren't getting through the congestion. Simply put, 'first' posts are bad for big business."

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When asked what measures would be implemented to dissuade prepubescent males (who comprise the vast majority of "first!" posters on the Internet) from this deplorable behavior, Greene said, "They will be fined. The penalty for the first offense will be $500 dollars. After that, it escalates according to how much bandwidth their post uses up each fiscal day until it is removed. For more egregious offenders, prison time may be warranted."

The Electronic Frontier Foundation, after being asked about its stance on the proposed legislation, had only this to say: "First rebuttal! Ha ha! Suck it, ACLU!"

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