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Monday, July 24 12:00 AM ET

Google's Move to Michigan Proves Existence of Corporate Graveyard

By Ima Fish

Ann Arbor - The recent announcement by Google, Inc to open offices in Ann Arbor Michigan has reopened the debate of the existence of the so called corporate graveyard. Long speculated to be similar to the concept of the elephant graveyard, belief in the theory has been bolstered in recent weeks by the move.

"Google obviously knows that its best days are over," said Trevor Stratton, Chief Scientist of the United States Institute of Science. "Google is following in the footsteps of General Motors, K-Mart and all the other bankrupt businesses in Michigan who recognized their time to die."

The elephant graveyard was first explained by British biologist Dr. Rupert Sheldrake, who stated that "elephants suffering from malnutrition instinctively seek out sources of water in the hopes of improving their condition. The elephants that do not improve eventually die near the water"

"It appears that corporations might have the same primal and instinctual need for water, which explains their need to die near the Great Lakes," replied Stratton

When asked to comment Google co-founder Larry Page stated, "Google's not going bankrupt. We employ more Ph.Ds than NASA. Our name is in the dictionary, the freakin' dictionary dude! No one uses Microsoft as a verb! No one! God, we're just a little thirsty, that's all! Nothing a good drink won't cure."

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Michigan Gov. Jennifer Granholm appeared offended by any suggestion that her state's main attraction is death. "The great state of Michigan has plenty to offer the living. For example, well, um, there's hunting. I recently signed into law the right for 12 year olds to kill bears. And we've even legalized dove hunting! If you want to kill stuff, this is the state for you. Wait, this isn't coming out right, can we do this interview over? Mmm… I know. Amway is successful. It's the largest pyramid scam in the world! It rakes in billions. Wait, aren't pyramids really just huge mausoleums? Never mind. Did I mention that we put Jack 'Doctor Death' Kevorkian in prison? Michiganders love life!"

When asked for a comment, renowned Michigan hunter Ted Nugent stated, "If you want to die, come to my ranch in upper Michigan and I'll hunt you down like the tiny pathetic human you are."

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