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Wednesday, March 7 12:00 AM ET

The Truth About Staying

By Marvin Durán

What it's really like to move to Windows Vista.

I saw a couple of articles linked on BBspot and they rang some bells.

Many of the points made apply to Vista as well as Mac OS X and Ubuntu. So here it is with thanks and apologies to Bill Westerman and Alan Pope. For this to make sense, you should probably at least drink some skim milk first.

Note: I say Vista here because that's what I will forcibly use the next time I buy a new PC. At least until I can replace it with something better. Fact is most of this applies to most Microsoft distributions. (I'm thinking WinME).

People will ridicule you for using Vista.
Particularly those morons who don't have the money to spend $400 on the Ultimate version. Plus $250 on a new video card. Plus $200 and some more RAM. A couple hundred more on a new hard drive. And maybe a new PC altogether when they realize Vista doesn't cozy up to "old" computers. Idiots!

You'll feel like you're in a little club.
A club, you know? Like that club where Brad Pitt kicked Ed Norton's ass!! Wouldn't that be soooo cool!!

People will help you for no reason...
...other than charging you money. I mean, who provides free support nowadays? Certainly not us! And IF anyone were to provide free support, it would be terrible and full of flaws, right? Right? Remember kids: all the good things in life are NOT free. I think.

Fewer people will try to attack you.
I mean, c'mon!! When was the last time a Windows guy got mugged in the subway!! iPod owners beware!!

You'll be able to ignore most viruses.
Windows OneCare does a fantastic job of ignoring them so that will not be a problem!

You'll have some compatibility problems.
Microsoft office is 99% compatible with Vista and since that's the only thing you'll ever use, who cares?

The Internet will be mostly the same.
Except for the viruses. And the hackers. And the security flaws. We like to think that Vista features a more rich, real-life experience to the Internet. However, once in a blue moon you'll find a frustrating page that refuses to work with Internet Explorer. It's obviously a fake scammer trying to rob you or something. Stay away from that page.

You'll be continually amazed at the fit and finish.
Haha you'll be amazed to find it! We dare ya!

You'll have a few "damn it!" moments.
But most will be gone once you reboot! And what can be more satisfying than rebooting a computer? You can take the time to go out for coffee, stretch a little. In fact, it's therapeutic! It's a new feature we call: "Microsoft Anti-carpal Tunnel Syndrome Therapy Software 2k7, Anti-stress Edition™."

You'll have some "ah-ha" moments.
Yup, we have those too! Just fire up Internet Explorer and go to this link here. You can have your A-ha moments at any given moment. Beat that Steve Jobs!

Keyboard shortcuts will drive you nuts.
This is totally false! I have an uncle with 14 fingers on each hand and he has no problem at all! Besides, we've changed the annoying ctrl+alt+del to "winkey + 1", how's that for customer service?

You'll regret your purchase, but we'll get over it.
Sorry I meant that you'll get over it. Ha ha moving along

You'll be amazed at how little there is to modify.
Yup! That's what we're all about: absolutely no confusing choices for the average Joe.

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You'll actually have to plan your reboots.
We suggest you plan them every hour or so just to keep things healthy! Please read the manual for "Microsoft Anti-carpal Tunnel Syndrome Therapy Software 2k7, Anti-stress Edition™." You'll thank us later.

You'll spend more money than with OSX.
This was an easy one, it turns out people love to shell cash every year for minor upgrades! Mac has been doing it for five years and we simply couldn't stay behind these innovations. We just have to convince Bill to wear a turtleneck.

Random strangers will stop to talk about your Apple.
And oranges. And bananas. In these days, it's very rare to see someone on the street eating fruit. Am I the only one to notice this?

You'll get more things done.
That why we have "Microsoft Anti-carpal Tunnel Syndrome Therapy Software 2k7, Anti-stress Edition™." So you can go pick up the kids. Play soccer with them. Go online for some Gears of War carnage. Stuff that matters.

You'll play pretty well on a Windows network.
So stay away from those icky Mac or Ubuntu networks. They can't even get Internet Explorer to work there. What good can they be?

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