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Monday, October 22 12:00 AM ET

Microsoft Debuts Update Update Suite

By Dave Smith & Zube

Redmond, WA -- Microsoft today responded to customer demands by releasing its revolutionary new suite of update programs: Windows Update Update, Office Update Update and Microsoft Update Update.

"Customers have long admired the stability, reliability, convenience and dependability of our Update programs, but a handful of users have been disappointed by the constant need for updating," said Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft. "For example, in four of the last six months, a trip to Windows Update required an update to Windows Update before one could use the program. Both Office Update and Microsoft Update users have experienced similar issues. Now, everything has changed. We are thinking different ... uh, I mean, The Update is the Computer."

According to the forthcoming Microsoft white paper titled _Update Update Hits the Spot, Two Full Updates That's a Lot!_, the new Update Update programs install 16 new services, up to 13 of which must be running for the Update Update programs to function. Users have the option of installing the updates by visiting, but they can also set Automatic Update Update to one of several convenient settings:

• On (default)
• Not off
• On, even after full uninstall
• Download but do not install (untested)
• Download and install later (convenient, continuous reminders)
• Download and install now
• Anytime Upgrade to Windows Vista
• Xbox 360 RMA information
• Clean up disk (recommended: this saves up to 48Kb of disk space)
• Change background on desktop but only if HKEY_Current_User\Software \Microsoft\Windows\CurrentVersion \Policies\WeAllScreamForIceCream is set to "googoocluster"

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Ballmer was also excited about the new features expected next quarter. "The success of WGA and OGA has convinced us to extend our Genuine Advantage platform to Windows Update Update. Called Windows Update Update Genuine Advantage, the mandatory add-on will check to insure that Windows Update Update is Genuine. If it is not, it will ask you to call a number (available from the intuitive slui 4 /pirate command). Microsoft Homeland Security agents will take down a trifling amount of personal information, including SSN and a valid CC number. Photo ID may be required; you may be instructed to stand outside and wave your arms until the agent's copy of Google Earth has loaded."

Ballmer also offered his own "Software Assurance" that future users of Windows Update Update Genuine Advantage (WUUGA) will be able to download updates through IE or through the forthcoming Windows Update Update Genuine Advantage Update tool.

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