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Monday, July 21 12:00 AM ET

Steve Jobs Names God as Successor

By Brian Briggs

Cupertino, CA - Rumors about Steve Jobs's health have caused many to wonder who will be his replacement at Apple. Since his return to the company, no clear successor has emerged. Jobs announced today that God would be taking his place when he steps down as CEO of Apple.

"I did an exhaustive search, but no one else was up to the task of replacing me. To tell you the truth, God really isn't either, but he's as close as I'm going to get," said Jobs. "I have no plans of leaving soon, but I want the worries to end."

God said He looked forward to taking over the company as well as help from Steve. "Steve will be close by me soon to help me out if I have any questions. Oops, I probably wasn't supposed to say that. He's going to be fine. Don't worry."

A recent employee survey showed that 85% of Apple employees were atheists, but this fact didn't bother God. "I'm open to working with believers and nonbelievers," said God. "I know that's how Steve runs things, but there'll have to be some changes."

Many Apple fans were disappointed by the news. Mac user Daryl Fendingham said, "I doubt God could do as good a job as Steve has done. I mean, look at how the world's going these days. It doesn't exactly inspire confidence, does it?"

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Others were confused, like Frank Hawkings of Los Angeles. "I always thought Steve was God. I'm confused."

God denied that Jobs would be taking His place once he took over the reins at Apple. "I'm an omnipotent being who created the universe, I think I can handle running a tech company along with my other duties."

Apple's stock was down on the news.


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