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Thursday, September 11 12:00 AM ET

Evolutionary Acceleration Research Institute Ready to Start “Squirrel Smasher”

By Brian Briggs

Dallas, TX – Scientists from the Evolutionary Acceleration Research Institute (EARI) announced that the first test of the Giant Animal Smasher (GAS) will begin on December 19, 2008, the 41st anniversary of the premiere of Dr. Dolittle.

Squirrel SmasherDr. Thomas Malwin, head of the research project, said, "The first test runs will only accelerate microscopic life-forms like bacteria and viruses to high speeds, but theoretically the GAS can handle animals as large as squirrels, hence the squirrel smasher moniker."

Biologists from around the globe hope the GAS will unlock the secrets of the so-called "Darwin particle" that could unlock the secrets to life.

"If we discover the Darwin particle we could possibly create new life-forms, or accelerate evolution to unimaginable levels," said Malwin.

The GAS is a 25 mile tube buried ten feet below the surface, and accelerates the animals up to a speed of 6,000 meters per second using a series of pulleys, levers, Whirlpool parts and fusion reactors.

Malwin dismissed critics who claimed that smashing animals together at high speeds was cruel to the animals, and some animal rights activists even left critical messages on Malwin's telephone answering service. He said, "The animals won't be feeling anything. The collision will vaporize the squirrels in a fraction of a second.  Their brains won't be able to transmit pain at those speeds, so it'll be painless for them."

Scientists currently rely on computer simulations to smash biological units, but simulations can only do so much, and without the visceral enjoyment of seeing two squirrels collide at thousands of miles an hour.

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Malwin said there will be controls in place to prevent new undesirable species from forming.  "Only species of the same type will be smashed together, so you don't have to worry about the flying rat, or poisonous Chihuahua nightmare scenarios."

One scientist at CERN, home of the Large Hadron Collider, said, "Biologists are just jealous of all the attention the LHC has been getting.  Since they aren't real scientists, they had to come up with this atrocity.  Next thing you know the psychologists will build a brain smasher to compete."

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