Calgary, Alberta - Theo De Raadt, founder of the security-minded OpenBSD operating system, has announced plans to launch a series of television commercials to battle software giants Microsoft and Apple.
From the beginning of the first "I'm a Mac..." ad, OpenBSD has seen a sharp decline in users from the hip 18-35 demographic. As Microsoft and Apple have slugged it out on the television set, OpenBSD has seen fewer and fewer installations from sorority girls, coffee shop denizens, and young entrepreneurs.
The notoriously razor-tongued De Raadt said, "These pigs wallow in their couches for hours and blindly gorge themselves on whatever slop comes out of the idiot box. But to stay competitive in this tough global economy we have to increase our user base in any way we can."
The OpenBSD spot features a celebrity cast with artist Yoko Ono playing the Mac, game show host Ben Stein playing the PC, and actor Vin Diesel playing OpenBSD.
The commercial begins when Vin Diesel, sitting in a Lamborghini with a Gatling gun mounted on the top, says, "What have you got there, Mac?"
The camera focuses on a dazed Yoko Ono who has a wheelbarrow brimming with cash. The money then dematerializes to be replaced by a MacBook.
"Ooooh, so pretty!" Ono coos, caressing the MacBook.
"I'm an artist, you know." she continues in a sing-song voice. "Yes, an artist and...," Ono pauses to swallow a large handful of pills, "... a LEOPARD!"
With that, the famous wife of John Lennon strips off her clothing, and engages in a disjointed performance of lunges, gyrations, and somersaults. Screeching in a warbling voice, Ono sings, "I'm a cat. I'm a kitty-cat! And I dance dance dance, and I *whip* *whip* *whip*!" Ono punctuates her refrain by vigorously lashing herself with the cord of an Apple MagSafe power adapter.
Ending her routine in a tendon-wrenching split, the nude and bloodied Yoko Ono stares into the camera for a closeup. Wild-eyed she says, "I'm a Mac, and I killed the Beatles."
The camera returns to a skeptical Vin Diesel who says condescendingly, "That's nice, Mac. And what are you up to, PC?"
Ben Stein is shown knee deep in sludge at the bottom of a porta-potty tank. Stein waves up at the camera and calls cheerfully, "Hey there, OpenBSD!"
Vin Diesel wrinkles his nose and replies, "Uh, what are you doing down there, PC?"
In response, Stein cups his hands and scoops up a hearty mass of brown goop. Holding it close to his face, Stein says, "I'm trying out Vista!" He then buries his face in sewage, pulls out gasping and choking, and proceeds to vomit down the front of his shirt.
Diesel looks aghast and says, "That... doesn't look very healthy, PC. I've heard some pretty bad things about Vista."
A visibly shaken Ben Stein gathers himself and retorts sarcastically, "Yeah, Vista is bad, evolution is real, and I just traded the last unicorn for a bag of magic beans. Wake up, OpenBSD! There's a whole wide world out here!" Stein stretches his arms wide in the dank confines of the porta-potty's waste tank.
Flabbergasted, Diesel appears to be about to respond when an obese man wearing a chili-stained white tank top enters the portable toilet. As the door closes, Ben Stein's muffled voice is heard, "Alright, here comes Windows 7!"
The camera returns to the Lamborghini where Vin Diesel is sitting back with a casual hand on the wheel. Looking straight ahead, he says, "I think it's about time we get out of here... what do you say, Doc?"
The view shifts to the passenger seat, revealing an excited Christopher Lloyd sporting a lab coat.
"How fast can you get this baby up to 88 miles per hour?" Llyod asks in his iconic gruff voice.
The two exchange knowing smiles and don reflective sunglasses in unison. Diesel then guns the engine, spins up the Gatling gun, and races into the distance. The Lamborghini vanishes in a burst of other-worldly energy that coalesces into the shape of the OpenBSD puffer fish logo. The words, "OpenBSD: Take Back Your Future" appear on the screen before the commercial fades to black.
When asked whether he thought the effusive advertisement was too bizarre to connect with the typical viewer, De Raadt said, "Shut that hole in your face, loser."