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Tuesday, October 28 2:00 PM EDT

Rumsfeld: United States Faces
"A Long Hard Schlong" in Iraq

By Peter Kenway

Washington D.C. - U.S. Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld has long been a lightning rod for criticism of the Bush administration, but the release of a recent internal document has brought the controversy surrounding him to a new level. The document contains candid, even graphic, depictions of the hardships that some coalition troops face on the ground in Iraq. The picture isn't pretty.

The document appears to be a fictional account of a young, fresh-faced Iowan G.I. named Billy, and his sexual misadventures in occupied Iraq. "This is a truly, uh, unique look at the Iraq situation," said blushing defense analyst Thomas Franklin. "I mean, I, uh, well, I've never, ah, ahem."

Top administration officials have rushed to defend Rumsfeld. "Rummy is so valuable to the administration precisely because of his unconventional thinking and active imagination," commented Vice President Dick Cheney. "If him writing gay porn will help fight terrorism, then I'm all for it. He's trying to galvanize the Defense Department with a little 'shock and awe' right here at home."

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Leading Democratic presidential candidates have leaped on the memo, using it as a platform to attack administration policy. In a recent speech in Laconia, NH, Howard Dean lambasted the administration. "Clearly, this is proof the Bush administration acted rashly, without thought for the safety of our troops rear ends."

Wesley Clark was a bit more reserved and vague in his criticism. "Let me tell you, I've been through many conflicts, from Vietnam to Kosovo, and ain't no man going that route with me."

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