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Tuesday,  June 24 12:01 AM EDT

Fucking Pinata Finally Breaks

By Brian Briggs

Elgin, IL - Timmy Jepsen's birthday party was delayed three hours by a virtually indestructible piñata.

"I didn't think the fucking thing was ever going to break," said an exasperated father of the birthday boy, Tom Jepsen. "I mean the kids were bashing it with a stick for an hour and there was hardly a dent. I wanted to get the reciprocating saw and rip it open that way, but the wife said 'if the kids want the candy they'll have to work for it.'"

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The children first started bashing the SpongeBob Squarepants shaped piñata with a wooden dowel rod, but as that proved ineffective other bashing instruments were put into use.

"After the stick we got a whiffle ball bat, then I started getting pissed so I got a length of lead pipe from the garage. A couple of the wimpy kids couldn't lift it, so we had to skip their turns," said the elder Jepsen.

Eventually Jepsen recruited a husky ten year old boy from the neighborhood and gave him a small hatchet. "I made sure the kids were pretty far back so they didn't get hurt," explained Jepsen. "Even with the hatchet it took about five solid whacks to get the cheap-ass candy they had pre-stuffed in there."

Carlos Smith from the Incredible Piñata Company revealed that three hours is pretty normal for breaking open one of their piñatas. He added, "The worst thing that can happen at a birthday party is for the first kid to bust open the piñata. All the other children don't get a turn and you're left with a bunch of crying third graders. That's why our piñatas have sidewalls reinforced with hi-tech kevlar threads. Breaking it on the first hit is nearly impossible."

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Smith continued, "Since we spend so much money on the construction of the piñata itself it doesn't leave much margin for the candy, so we get some cough drops that have passed their expiration date from a distributor in Latvia. Kids don't really care as long as it's sugary and is a pretty color."

Jepsen stated that next year they are going to Chuck E. Cheese.

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