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Thursday,  August 21 12:01 AM EDT

McDonald's Corporate Strategy Revealed
To Be Work Of Aliens

By Barry Mitchell

Oak Brook, IL - Shares of McDonald's Corporation soared today when new Chairman Wayne Havers revealed himself to be an alien from a nearby galaxy sent to cultivate "human stock."

"Our business plan has been simple," Havers announced to the 15-member board and assembled members of the press at its quarterly meeting in Oak Brook. "Develop a means of rapidly fattening a portion of the human population for a continued multi-generational harvest for overlords on their way to rule your miserable planet."

"We felt that the current appeal of corporate honesty and the continued infatuation with the stock market made this the prime time for being open with our stockholders and customers."

Wall Street Journal analyst Richard Nelson commented, "The media are looking harder than ever for corporate dishonesty - seeking to break the next Enron scandal. McDonald's saved face today by revealing itself rather than letting their secrets be uncovered. At the same time, their brilliant strategy makes them a even stronger player."

Trading firm Myers-Ackley-Jones changed McDonald's recommendation from "Hold" to "Strong Buy" on the news - a move that was followed by several other firms. This turn-about came after several weeks of falling prices due to consumer lawsuits against fast food chains.

McDonald's stockholders approved of the announcement of the company's imminent dominion over humankind. Nicholas Guarini held no doubts. "I mean, sure, it was a shock. But I think my shares are just going to keep going up. Especially when those overlords arrive to take over."

AP reporter Janis Friedman asked Havers, "What makes you think this revelation won't result in lower sales?" Havers responded, "Our strategy combines the use of addictive additives and compulsive advertising. Your puny human brains cannot resist."

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Havers proceeded to remove Friedman's head with giant horizontal mandibles, much like an insect's, and devoured her on the spot.
McDonald's customers seemed unfazed by the news. At a Los Angeles McDonald's, businesswoman Gayle Ming ate her morning McGriddle sandwich, which she says is her near-daily routine. "It's not like we don't know it's not healthy for us," said Ming. "Besides, they have every right to pursue their own success. This is America, you know."

Shares of key competitor, Yum! Brands, Inc. (owners of KFC, Taco Bell, and others), also rose on hints of similar forthcoming announcements.

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