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Thursday, September 4 12:01 EST

Microsoft Releases Microsoft Time XP

By Nikolaj Borg

Redmond, Washington - After years of top secret development, Microsoft has announced the launch of MS Time XP, which the company hopes, will become the dominant measurement of time. Several reporters were invited to an hour's interview with Thomas Wyman, president of Microsoft's department of Space and Time.

"It was really just a matter of time - pun intended - before someone entered the market," Mr. Wyman said. "Old Time's monopoly has stood for over 4000 years, and its age is really starting to show."

In the past few years, Swatch Internet Time and Metric Time have been suggested as alternatives to "Old" or "Babylonian" Time. Thomas Wyman blames their failure on two factors: "First, they've failed to add anything that distinguished their products from Old Time - they just repackaged the old product in a shiny new package. At Microsoft we've always known that the only way to beat the competition is through innovation and technological excellence. Second, you need lots of brawn to pull a stunt like this. The last major challenge to the concept of time was by the French during the revolution. They had a million man army and the guillotine, and still they failed miserable. Luckily, we're much better prepared than that."

While traditional Time is absolute and related to the movements of the Sun and the Earth, Microsoft Time XP is perfectly relative. Most readers may already be familiar with this concept of time, as earlier versions of the product have been used in the Windows installers since Windows 95.

Wyman admits that absolute time has been beneficial for earlier societies but believes it is time for a change. "Sure, Old Time was handy for the farmer or the factory worker, but now, absolute time has become nothing but a hindrance. With Microsoft Time XP, we're taking Time away from the Sun and giving it to the people. This is the solution that ends all deadlines once and for all. There are no limits to the things we can do now. We ensured that Windows would install in an hour. Heck, even Longhorn will ship on time now."

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Microsoft's product has attracted attention, not only in financial circles, but also in Washington DC. One of the most persistent rumors is that the White House use Microsoft time to ensure peace in Iraq before the next presidential election. Thomas Wyman did not confirm nor deny such rumors, but smiled and said, "At the right price, a year can be a really long time."

As reporters inquired about the stability and security of the Microsoft Time XP Server, his smile disappeared for a second. Then he lit up and replied, "I'd really like to discuss that, but your hour appears to be up. God, I love this product."

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