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Wednesday,  September 24 12:01 AM EDT

RIAA Reanimating Dead Musicians
To Eat Brains of File Sharers

By Brian Briggs

Los Angeles, CA - In an about face from their earlier litigious strategy, the RIAA has withdrawn all the legal complaints against file sharers, and instead has decided to reanimate musicians such as rapper Tupac Shakur or the recently deceased Johnny Cash to eat the brains of music pirates.

"Don't be cruel...or I'll eat your brain," said Zombie Elvis

"We've settled several lawsuits, but found that even after the highly publicized settlements music piracy hasn't abated. We think that a few file sharers having their brains eaten by a zombie Janis Joplin or Kurt Cobain would be more effective and create less backlash than lawsuits," said RIAA chief counsel Craig Fitzsimmons.

Opponents of the RIAA think they have gone too far. Sandy Freshwasser from Peoria, who has over 789 GB of illegal MP3 files, said, "Isn't the RIAA supposed to be looking out for the artists? Here they are bringing them back from the dead against the artist's will and probably only paying them twenty cents for every brain they eat. It's abominable."

The RIAA had approached several living artists about eating the brains of file sharers, but most were opposed to the idea. "That's when we remembered the 'reanimation clause' that's been every music contract since 1952, so everything we're doing is perfectly legal," said Fitzsimmons.

The RIAA can expect a legal fight from the Electronic Frontier Foundation (EFF). "We realize that the DMCA gives the RIAA the power to eat the brains of file sharers without the issue of a warrant or subpoena, but we think the law is wrong and we're lobbying to have it repealed," said EFF spokesperson Francine Parker. "We could end up with a case where an innocent person is swarmed by the undead members of Lynyrd Skynyrd if this law isn't changed."

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The announcement did cause many computer users much anxiety. "I can't believe the RIAA is telling me that my gray matter is going to be dinner for an undead Rosemary Clooney. It's outrageous. I don't even use that computer. My kids should be the brainless ones, not me," said a frightened New York stockbroker who wished to remain anonymous.

However, not everyone outside the RIAA was disgusted by the news. Many fans were excited by the possibility of a zombie Elvis or John Lennon visiting their home even if it meant that they would be killed. "Do you think this means that The Dead could get back together and tour again?" gushed one fan.

Zombie Elvis image by Kulstad from Worth1000

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