Staten Island, NY - Computer users, frustrated with insecurities
and quirks in their programs, have started turning to software psychologists
to solve their problems.
majority of my patients are from the Outlook family," said noted
software psychologist, Dr. Quentin Bates. "The various versions
suffer from a variety of maladies mostly stemming from inherited
insecurities, which are only compounding by the ceaseless teasing
these products endure."
Dr. Bates explained that most software he has treated could be helped
with therapy and a digital Prozac called Upgradium, which comes in
convenient patch form. Side effects of Upgradium include instability,
mood swings and occasionally total code breakdown.
"Software that can't be helped with medication or therapy can
undergo electroshock therapy, though since this sometimes damages
hardware we only advise it in extreme cases," said Dr. Bates.
The popularity of the Internet has also allowed for software psychologists
to hold group therapy sessions where programs with similar issues
can discuss them in a safe environment.
Tim Hudson took his RealOne Player to therapy, because the program
exhibited constant control issues. "It always wanted a spot
on my desktop, and kept taking over file extensions without asking.
I tried telling it to stop several times, but it wouldn't listen.
That's when I sought out Dr. Bates," said Hudson.
Microsoft noticed the trend towards software psychologists last
year and has started training Microsoft Certified Software Therapists
(MCST) and recently added Microsoft Therapist 2003 to their popular
office productivity suite.
Shelly Harmon from Microsoft explained the importance of proper
software therapy, "Software with mental issues is not productive
software. You can't have your word processor behaving nicely one
day, then acting out the next. Microsoft Therapist 2003 will help
alleviate those mood swings."
According to a survey by Gartner Group, 85% of software programs
suffer from insecurities, instability, and control issues.
Scott Small contributed to this article.
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