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Monday, October 15 12:01 EST

Apple Introduces iPorn Movie Store

By Damien Sorresso

Cupertino, CA - Hot on the heels of its success with the acclaimed iTunes Music Store, Apple have set about to revolutionize another entertainment venue, that of pr0n.

Steve "Blow" Jobs
Steve "Blow" Jobs?

Today at a special press event, Apple CEO Steve Jobs unveiled the iPorn Movie Store. Just as Jobs addressed the problems plaguing online music downloading, he hopes to do so with downloadable pornography.

"We're excited about this new service," Jobs said at the special keynote address. "We've taken a good look at peer-to-peer porn downloading, and we think we've got this one nailed." Jobs went on to describe the problems of downloaded pornography.

"What is a horny 15 to 25 year-old male looking for when he goes on Kazaa? Two things, either music or porn. When he's not looking for one, he's seeking out the other. But downloading porn from peer-to-peer networks can sometimes be frustrating and ultimately unsatisfying." Jobs then gave a specific list of problems with peer-to-peer network porn.

"The way we see it, there are just tons of disadvantages with the current system. But we've identified 5 major areas where peer-to-peer users are dissatisfied," Jobs said, with a numbered list appearing on the 50-foot screen behind him.

"First, you can't always find what you're looking for. Most of the time, a downloader isn't looking for any specific clip; he's usually looking for a clip of a certain genre, sexual position, technique or porn star. The file names are either non-descriptive or just misleading. Sometimes a clip that claims to be of Jenna Jameson is actually some amateur video with a random double-D-cup blonde. And, there's nothing like looking for a good oral sex clip and then finding out that it's horse porn. The clips on the iPorn Music Store have a paragraph of explanatory text telling the customer who's in it and the sexual positions used in the clip."

"Second, the quality is terrible. Many peer-to-peer users have learned to cope with the bad quality video they manage to get, but they'd never put up with it in a DVD rip. That's why we're encoding each clip in high-quality MPEG-4 video at 640 width. It's sad to think that 99% of the porn-viewing population between the ages of 18 and 24 don't know that Devon has 3 nipples because they've only seen low-bitrate, postage-stamp sized clips of her in action! Best of all, we're making the audio track optional. Why waste time downloading a clip with audio when you're just going to mute the sound so your roommate or parents don't become aware of your shame?"

"Third, the download rates are slow. How many times have we started a download of the porn clip we've been dreaming of only to find out the other side has stalled or is behind some college network's firewall? We've been serving up video bits at over 200 kB/s for years on our QuickTime trailer site. Not only do we provide the porn community with high-quality video, but we do it so fast that they get their fix right away."

"Fourth, there are no previews. The first 30 seconds of a porn clip is usually enough to tell whether you want the rest of it or not. So we're providing customers with a 30-second preview of the clips they're interested in. The preview is streamed to them in MPEG-4 video. We think that this is going to be killer."

"Last, many clips are incomplete. There's nothing worse than finally finding the fast source with the clip you want and then finding out that it cuts off before the money shot while you're mid-coitus! That's why all of our clips are guaranteed to have money shots when they involve men and women. We think this alone will attract several customers."

Jobs then showed off a demo of the service, in which the service, when fired up, would inquire about the user's level of arousal and filter clips of length based on the user's response. He performed a search for Chasey Lain and sorted the results by film, director, male co-star, and position. "There's even a special filter that will omit any results containing 'Ron Jeremy,'" Jobs said. "There's nothing like that guy's ugly, hairy mug to ruin a good viewing."

On-hand at the unveiling were many big-name stars in the adult entertainment business, including Jenna Jameson and Peter North, who announced that they had filmed a special, deluxe 10-minute clip exclusively for the iPorn Movie Store.

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Jobs also revealed that Apple's new service would be opening its doors to amateur porn artists, as well. "There's a whole part of the population which loves amateur porn, and we don't want to leave them out. We encourage creativity, and we even provide promising amateur artists with a free copy of Final Cut Express to fully realize their creative visions."

Jobs left the stage to thunderous applause and covering his pelvis with a high school algebra book.

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