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Washington, D.C. - The United States Postal Service surprised citizens
and lawmakers today by filing thousands of lawsuits against netizens
with active e-mail addresses. Under the Digital Millennium Copyright
Act, the use of e-mail violates the government-approved monopoly
the USPS currently enjoys.
Art Benedum, a lawyer representing the Postal Service, quoted the
part of the new law that grants the authority for this action. "Any
business/government agency who has lost money because of services
now provided freely by the Internet may sue to regain those funds,
so long as their company/agency's name is a four-letter acronym."
Among the first to be slapped with a lawsuit was 7-year-old Regina
Wells, who has been communicating with her father, a Marine in Iraq,
via e-mail. When asked if she felt unfairly targeted by this legal
action, she responded: "What'h a lawthoot?"
Ian Matthews, a specialist in law pertaining to gadgetry, explained
that the USPS is now cracking down on what it calls 'postal pirates'. "This
is an organization which has seen a 28 percent decrease in revenue
since the rise of the Internet. They used to get royalties of 34
or 37 cents for every letter sent, but now letters can be sent for
free, through what we call 'peer 2 peer' mail-sending."
Postal authorities are trying to get new legislation passed, banning
these 'web sites' where these so-called 'e-mails' originate. If this
fails, they have a back up plan to force Internet users to buy 'digital
stamps'. "The digital stamps can be purchased directly from
us by credit card, and can be used as 'attachments' with every e-mail
sent. You don't even have to lick them," explained USPS R & D
Vice President Nicholas Johnson. When asked why the Postal Service
had a Research and Development department in the first place, he
replied, "No comment."
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