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Thursday, January 21 12:00 AM EST

North Korea Develops Spam Technology

By Nikolaj Borg

Washington DC - North Korea announced that it has harnessed the technology of spam. The claim has not been verified but if true, could fundamentally offset the fragile Asian power balance.

Ted Abacha from the International Spam Anti-Proliferation Agency explained that the community has feared this development for some time. “In the wrong hands, Unsolicited Bulk E-mail (UBE) could be transformed from a powerful tool into a devastating weapon.. And I can’t think of wronger hands than those of Kim Jong-Il.”

Kim Jong SpamThere’s one thing that baffles us, though,” he continued. “The technology of spam is way too advanced for the North Koreans, so we suspect help from the outside.” Should someone have helped the Koreans, it would be a clear violation of the nonproliferation agreement of 1998, a crime punishable by permanent Internet ban. The suspects are many however. As Ted Abacha put it, “These are not the world’s nicest people; they'll add their grandmothers to their mailing lists.”

The North Koreans cannot match the Americans or the major Asian players in quality or quantity, however. With only a handful of computers and a single dial-up connection to an African ISP, they lack the vehicle for true mass distribution. Still, their complete lack of morals and trademark ability to get far with what they have means that their threats should be taken seriously.

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Faced with the threat of UBE like “Dubya, joine werkers paredise ekjse3i” and even more Korean gibberish in the mailbox, the US administration saw no other choice than to send two aircraft carriers to the area. The chances of a full-scale war in the area are minimal, though.

“I see two likely scenarios here,” Abacha explained. “The first is that the US cripples the North Korean research center in a preemptive tactical strike. The other outcome is that Jong-Il uses the technology as leverage to get his hands on a replacement ISA graphics card and a couple of used X-Boxes for their space program.”

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