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Thursday, September 13 12:00 AM ET

Ford Develops Coffee-powered Vehicle

By Francisco Rangel

Dearborn, MI - Ford Motor Company has announced that they have completed the first ever commercially available, coffee-powered motor vehicle. Instead of gasoline, the car's engine will process coffee, extracting the caffeine to produce energy to move the vehicle.

The motor was first designed by Rick Hammerson, a member of the Ford ResearchTeam, and was later improved by his co-workers.

Alan Drumming, another member of the R&D Team, stated, "It actually started as a joke among the team. We were joking about making a car that would run on over-caffeinated hamsters, but Rick took it seriously and one day just showed up at work with the design. We were flabbergasted."

Hammerson said, "I can't get into the details of design, but I can tell you that coffee is a more efficient fuel than gasoline ever was. The car will run like normal, except the muffler will now be filled with coffee filters."

The first models will be a coffee-powered SUV named the “Espresso.”

Starbucks has begun to replace most of its corner coffee shops with coffee stations, where drivers will be able to pump their cars full of regular or espresso. So, unlike hydrogen vehicles, the fueling structure is nearly already in place.

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"We are also working on a hybrid car, which will run on electricity and decaf," added Hammerson.

Some environmentalists are claiming that this could end up doing more harm than gas emissions, as the expected output would be slightly caffeinated steam. The thought of birds sucking in copious amounts of this exahaust brings heightened concerns for aviation safety, especially among hummingbirds.

In unrelated news, the Bush administration has announced they believe that Colombia and Costa Rica have weapons of mass destruction.

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