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Thursday,  July 17 12:01 AM EDT

Nolan Curtis: Star Wars vs. Star Trek

By Nolan Curtis

In light of recent articles, I've decided to spend my time today discussing the disparities between Star Wars and Star Trek and how I see both. Many of you already know I am a die-hard Star Wars fan, but being a congenital geek, I also appreciate Star Trek. I wont pick sides, because no matter what I chose, half of you people would see fit to write me e-mail to count the ways in which I suck, or to ask that I forcefully indulge myself in auto-erotica. Also, since I'm a guy, I'm writing this from a guy's perspective. So female fans of Sci-Fi, I don't mean to offend either of you.

Here's my theory. Feel fee to disagree (but keep in mind that if you do, you are probably wrong): Star Wars is for kids, Star Trek is for dorks.

Now before you start formulating new swear words to call me like the guys over at Red vs Blue, hear me out.

Point One: Sex
In Star Wars, there are pretty much only two female characters of note: Princess Leia and Mon Mothma, neither of which is particularly hot. And don't email me about Amidala. I don't count that crap as Star Wars. Star Trek, on a more adult angle titillates its dateless viewers with unreasonably hot women like Seven of Nine, T'Pol, Tasha Yar, and that's not to mention the green-skinned slave girls of Orion. So while Star Wars is looking to cast the roles of motherly and sisterly characters, Star Trek is aiming more towards the nocturnal emission.

Point Two: Aliens
Star Trek, in almost every instance, goes to the laborious extreme of adding bumps to people's foreheads, points to their ears, or giving them really bad haircuts. Star Wars' aliens are like the kind of thing you have nightmares about after eating bad cottage cheese. Monsters like Jabba the Hutt, and Watto the prehensile nosed moth, are examples of the kind of things kids talk about to scare their younger siblings. "Be careful, there may be a ugnaught under your bed!" The logic seems pretty clear to me. Star Wars wants to sell toys, while Star Trek needs for adults to be able to dress like the aliens. Some Star Trek fans come pre-installed with the shitty haircut.

Point Three: Vehicles
When you're a kid, you envision yourself driving KITT from Knight Rider, Ecto 1, or Bigfoot. You don't think about practicality, you just want a car everyone else will admire and/or fear. Once you realize you're 26 and still live at your folks house, you begin to think more practically about vehicles and decide that a Chevy Astro is more your speed, or an '89 Ford Escort. (Note to readers: If you are 26, are living at home, and do drive an '89 Ford Escort, for the love of God, stop reading now. And remember: I'm not making fun of you. I AM you.) Let's look at the Enterprise. That thing is as utilitarian as it gets. The ship is made to go where no man has gone before and 'explore.' It has practical applications, and let's be frank, it's about the ugliest space ship I've ever seen. Even the cool ships like the Romulan Bird of Prey look better if they stay cloaked. In stark contrast, you have a ship called a Star Destroyer that's designed to defeat entire FLEETS of other ships. Those of you that think the Enterprise would stand a chance need to put down the Red Bull and make your way carefully back to the door marked "Logic."

Point Four: Creators
Really the only thing adult about George Lucas is his beard and his neck. Well, both necks. He writes stories that are painted in black and white, has a twisted sense of dark, foreboding father figures, and cast entire battles with stuffed animals and talking ducks. If you lose track of the plots of his stories, let me summarize: "Good vs. Evil, evil loses but learns valuable lesson. Everyone is related." On the other side of the spectrum we have Gene Rodenberry -rest his soul- who told tales of human development, bawdy interspecies intercourse, taught us that violent guys with bumpy foreheads can be sweet, and renewed our faith in a future of workable communism. Come to think of it, if George and Gene had a son, he'd probably grow up to be L. Ron Hubbard.

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So for now, let's put an end to this bickering and enjoy our genres, be they in a distant future or long ago. I think a part of all of us can appreciate the skin-tight outfits of Deanna Troi and the kick-ass armor of the biker scouts. We can be glad these creators gave us what we know and love as Star Wars and Star Trek and be happy that we're not fans of the galactically nauseating Battlefield Earth series.

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