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In light of recent articles,
I've decided to spend my time today discussing the disparities between
Star Wars and Star Trek and how I see both. Many of you already know
I am a die-hard Star Wars fan, but being a congenital geek, I also
appreciate Star Trek. I wont pick sides, because no matter what I
chose, half of you people would see fit to write me e-mail to count
the ways in which I suck, or to ask that I forcefully indulge myself
in auto-erotica. Also, since I'm a guy, I'm writing this from a guy's
perspective. So female fans of Sci-Fi, I don't mean to offend either
of you.
Here's my theory. Feel fee to disagree (but keep in mind that if
you do, you are probably wrong): Star Wars is for kids, Star Trek
is for dorks.
Now before you start formulating new swear words to call me like
the guys over at Red vs Blue,
hear me out.
Point One: Sex
In Star Wars, there are pretty much only two female characters of note: Princess
Leia and Mon Mothma, neither of which is particularly hot. And don't email
me about Amidala. I don't count that crap as Star Wars. Star Trek, on a more
adult angle titillates its dateless viewers with unreasonably hot women like
Seven of Nine, T'Pol, Tasha Yar, and that's not to mention the green-skinned
slave girls of Orion. So while Star Wars is looking to cast the roles of
motherly and sisterly characters, Star Trek is aiming more towards the nocturnal
emission.
Point Two: Aliens
Star Trek, in almost every instance, goes to the laborious extreme of adding
bumps to people's foreheads, points to their ears, or giving them really
bad haircuts. Star Wars' aliens are like the kind of thing you have nightmares
about after eating bad cottage cheese. Monsters like Jabba the Hutt, and
Watto the prehensile nosed moth, are examples of the kind of things kids
talk about to scare their younger siblings. "Be careful, there may be
a ugnaught under your bed!" The logic seems pretty clear to me. Star
Wars wants to sell toys, while Star Trek needs for adults to be able to dress
like the aliens. Some Star Trek fans come pre-installed with the shitty haircut.
Point Three: Vehicles
When you're a kid, you envision yourself driving KITT from Knight Rider, Ecto
1, or Bigfoot. You don't think about practicality, you just want a car everyone
else will admire and/or fear. Once you realize you're 26 and still live at
your folks house, you begin to think more practically about vehicles and
decide that a Chevy Astro is more your speed, or an '89 Ford Escort. (Note
to readers: If you are 26, are living at home, and do drive an '89 Ford Escort,
for the love of God, stop reading now. And remember: I'm not making fun of
you. I AM you.) Let's look at the Enterprise. That thing is as utilitarian
as it gets. The ship is made to go where no man has gone before and 'explore.'
It has practical applications, and let's be frank, it's about the ugliest
space ship I've ever seen. Even the cool ships like the Romulan Bird of Prey
look better if they stay cloaked. In stark contrast, you have a ship called
a Star Destroyer that's designed to defeat entire FLEETS of other ships.
Those of you that think the Enterprise would stand a chance need to put down
the Red Bull and make your way carefully back to the door marked "Logic."
Point Four: Creators
Really the only thing adult about George Lucas is his beard and his neck. Well,
both necks. He writes stories that are painted in black and white, has a
twisted sense of dark, foreboding father figures, and cast entire battles
with stuffed animals and talking ducks. If you lose track of the plots of
his stories, let me summarize: "Good vs. Evil, evil loses but learns
valuable lesson. Everyone is related." On the other side of the spectrum
we have Gene Rodenberry -rest his soul- who told tales of human development,
bawdy interspecies intercourse, taught us that violent guys with bumpy foreheads
can be sweet, and renewed our faith in a future of workable communism. Come
to think of it, if George and Gene had a son, he'd probably grow up to be
L. Ron Hubbard.
So for now, let's put an end to this bickering and enjoy our genres,
be they in a distant future or long ago. I think a part of all of
us can appreciate the skin-tight outfits of Deanna Troi and the kick-ass
armor of the biker scouts. We can be glad these creators gave us
what we know and love as Star Wars and Star Trek and be happy that
we're not fans of the galactically nauseating Battlefield Earth series.
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By Nolan Curtis
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