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Friday, August 31 12:00 AM ET

NFL Increases Restrictions on Remembering Games

By Brian Briggs

New York, NY – The NFL has enacted new rules which limit fans and media from remembering games.  To enforce the rules the NFL has perfected a device which can be used at games and during broadcasts which will erase the memories of the game from anyone watching.  The technology will also have to be used in any highlight clips that are used in television or online.

The league has increased use of limiting rules of press and other media outlets from images and video from NFL games.

"This new technology will make our rules limiting press coverage obsolete," said Roger Goodell the new commissioner of the NFL. "The reporters and photographers won't even remember they've been to the game, so it's no problem."

Goodell thinks this will open new revenue streams for the league. "No one wants to watch a game again after they already know the outcome, but now we can replay games all through the week," he said.

Frank Upchurch, the NFL's Chief Technology Officer, said, "The technology has been perfected so it only erases the memory of the game itself.  The advertising will remain permanently embedded in the viewers' consciousness."

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Fans had mixed reactions to the announcement.  Many said they'll miss talking about the game with friends afterwards, but will enjoy being able to watch the games multiple times with the same excitement as the first time.  Lions fans were particularly pleased.  Devon Almay from Farmington Hills said, "There hasn't been a Lions game in the last five years that I want to remember.  This technology will be a godsend."

The NFL will also reap benefits by licensing the technology to other leagues, broadcasters, and even consumers. "Say your spouse wants to watch an episode of Heroes that you've tivoed, but you've already watched it.  Now you can erase your memory of the show, and watch it again like the first time," said Upchurch.

Upchurch assures fans that the technology is not any more harmful to the brain than a barrel of Budweiser and a crate of kielbasa.

Thanks to Scott Atkins for the idea.

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